If a Picture is Worth 1000 Words...

I sat there, unable to move for fear of it being the wrong move. There are times in life when there is a right move and a wrong move. And then there are times in life where any move, or even lack thereof, is the wrong move. This was the former.

She made a few half-hearted jabs that seemed more like she was grasping at words she thought she should say but wasn’t quite committed to saying. I had already anticipated them and two weeks of agonizing over the situation had already hardened my heart.

But when she wiped her tears with the tissues I handed to her, I thought to myself that I had no right. I had no right to hold those tears. Those tears were not for me or for her: those tears were for the versions of us who existed before I broke her heart. Those two people would never exist again and so she shed tears for their passing.

What right had I, the one responsible for erasing their existence, to hold those tears? And that hand, that same damned, unworthy hand that held those tears now held my spare key, which she left to me.

That hand carried the weight of one metal key and all the weight of her sorrow, drained into her tears. And I stood there, unworthy: both of her and of her tears and of the damage to her pure heart that these pathetic hands had wrought.

And I’m still there. While she is gone. And so are those two people who existed, in the time before I became unworthy of those tears.

So if you haven’t seen it yet, this (http://gizmodo.com/5833787/my-brief-okcupid-affair-with-a-world-champion-magic-the-gathering-player) is basically an ugly bitch’s rant about how nerds should be easily identifiable, like foreigners – maybe with nametags or arm patches or some sort of funky accent that makes you want to shout “LEARN HOW TO SPEAK LIKE A REAL PERSON.”

What really gets me about this article is that she whines about there not being decent guys in the world, but she can’t get over the fact that this guy is the world champion of something. Sure, it’s Magic: the Gathering. But do you think Michael Phelps has this problem? “Oh my god girl, he has like TWENTY GOLD MEDALS around his neck – ALL THE TIME.”

No, Magic is not nearly as strenuous as swimming. Having done both, I can say that with certainty. But being the best in the world at something requires dedication, intelligence, creativity, and a whole lot of other things this chick is lacking. Which is all for the best, because she doesn’t deserve to be with anyone, as she seems to be of the opinion that only nerds should date nerds or that they shouldn’t be allowed to procreate at all (god what if it spreads like some kind of virus? A sort of—gasp—INTELLIGENCE virus, passed down from generation to generation…like a..like a…GENE or something).

Darwin’s theories produced a similar opinion: stupid people shouldn’t procreate. It’s why nature doesn’t have safety labels. It’s why animals that are too stupid end up dying or caught in traps. It’s why this chick ought to end up forever alone if she can’t believe this guy could be allowed to date HER kind. I mean, friends and acquaintances?!? By god, if these nerds are allowed to talk to non-nerd (in other words, PRETTY girls), we’ll have a revolution on our hands.

It’s fine if she didn’t enjoy her time with him. That’s her opinion and she can even write a shitty blog post about it (although who her audience is, I don’t know. People cut from the same cloth as she is don’t know where the internet is or how to find it, since everything they look for is usually at the bottom of a beer or two or ten). But to suggest that everyone warn their daughters that this Nerd King of Geekdom is going to rain some sort of Card-Game Holocaust down on the women of the “normal folk” and should somehow be prevented from that is just wrong.

So he didn’t put “big fucking nerd” on his OKCupid profile. You didn’t put judgmental narrow-minded bitch on yours. At the end of the day, who really suffers? His “character flaw” you can google. Yours, I had to sit through that poor excuse of an article to sniff out. If there were a Wikipedia page for you, it would have “Are you looking for old maid (disambiguation)? If so, you are the only one because this bitch is dying cold and alone.”

And to be fair, this guy is the best in the world at what he does. Sure, what he does isn’t really a great conversation starter. But your list of achievements wouldn’t even fill the blurb that is on your blog for “profile.” And you still get to procreate, right?

Whatever her opinion, trying to stage some sort of INTERNET Cockblock has got to be out-of-this-world stupid. Who the fuck do you think is on the internet? Nobody who subscribes to the same flavor of crazy as you, lady. Just us nerds. Uh-hurh, uh-hurh, uh-hurh-hurh-hurh.

By the way, he probably banks better than you do, too.

(Most nerds do, since they paid attention in school. All of them, not just high school. Yes there are schools after high school. You just weren’t allowed to go to any of them. Discrimination at its finest – based off of intelligence.)

It’s always awkward when you make a mistake. Even more so when someone has to politely point this out to you. But by far, it is most awkward when you’re not mistaken and it’s getting increasingly harder to be polite as you defend your position.

I was supposed to hang out with a friend this Saturday. I asked him, “Hey man, what you are up to on Saturday?” He tells me he -HAS- to meet up with some old coworkers. “—But, if you’re planning stuff, I’d much rather hang out with you and your friends.”

Well that’s quite the fluff to the old ego. I am, after all, awesome. So I quickly make plans (I’ve come to realize that I’m a bit of the planner type, “where should we meet, when, etc” because leaving it to chance or to your friends will result in it not happening, lazy bastards). He agrees, he’s stoked. YEAH VIDEO GAMES UNTIL FOREVERRRRRRR

That was Thursday. Today is Saturday. I send him a quick email confirming our plans. He sends me back this:

“Haha, yeah it would be great to hang out. But did you forget I’m hanging out with my former coworkers? Sorry man, maybe next time :-(“

If I could zoom in, I’d be zooming in on “BUT DID YOU FORGET I’M HANGING OUT WITH MY FORMER COWORKERS? SORRY MAN, MAYBE NEXT TIME :-(”

WTF? I understand if I had just mentioned it and let it drop. But we made concrete plans, he agreed to them, he was even happy about it! And then on the day of, he acts like we never made concrete plans?

I know I sound like a chick. It’s one thing if he REALLY wanted to go. But to say that he’d rather hang out with me and then totally ditch me for his former coworkers who he doesn’t even like??? Seriously?

And they all speak Korean. What is he going to say?

Whatever the case, I was most annoyed at having to respond to that. How do I stay polite while also telling him he made the plans and then broke them? I mean…there’s not a polite way to do that. Not to mention I just helped him get a brand new TV for super cheap (saved him like $300) out of the goodness of my blackened heart.

Sometimes I don’t understand people. Being a good friend is apparently not what some people are looking for. I’m not losing sleep over this, but I was making the effort to be friends because his girlfriend just left Korea (who I am good friends with and who actually begged me to spend more time with him since he has almost no friends here in Korea) and now I just don’t even feel like it.

[EDIT] I am not even kidding you, right after I clicked “publish” I got a text from him saying “Hold up, video game night might still happen. Text you back in an hour.” I am ripping out my hair at this point. Say WHAT? Like…do I even want to hang out with this guy now? Not only that, but I shifted plans since his email. Even if things do happen, it’s gonna be awkward as hell hanging out with him.

How do you deal with people who reject your friendship?

…is the anthem of every drunken friend ever. In the history of all time. And of being drunk.

Randomly at work, I get struck by a memory. It has NOTHING to do with anything I was seeing or thinking of. Rather than something triggering the memory, it felt more like a random burst of memory.

I’m with my friends and we’ve had a little to eat and a lot to drink (not me, I don’t drink) and it’s late. Like early morning late. We decide to hit up a KFC because it looks fried and delicious. After we eat, my friend who is pretty wasted but not completely gone, tries to get me to translate for him (we’re in Korea and his Korean is terrible when he’s sober). He won a stuffed animal in win-a-stuffed-animal-dart-game and he wants to give it to the woman working the register. She’s not one of the regular grunts, one of those manager-types.

B = Friend. Me = Well, me.

B: I’m not drunk, man.

Me: Are you ordering? Let’s go man…

B: *shaking me off* No no..hold on…tell her this is a present. For her. *hands her stuffed animal*

Me: *long sigh* [in Korean] This is for you. A present.

Woman: [Yes?] *looks really uncomfortable*

B: No no…it’s not like that….Tell her I just want her to have it.

Me: [I’m sorry, my friend is drunk. Please take the toy. Feel free to throw it away]

B: You know, it’s late, she’s tired, I’m tired…but she’s here working. I just want to do this nice thing for her.

Me: You are so drunk. We’re creeping her out. Let’s go…

B: What? No, no I’m not drunk…did you tell her? Tell her *grabs my arm*

Me: [Please don’t call the cops. We’re leaving. He’s a really nice guy when he’s sober. I think he just wants to brighten up your evening.]

Woman: [Um…] *smiles politely* [Tell him I said thank you]

B: I’m not drunk man! *falls against me*

Me: [Please don’t call the cops. For real. We’re gone]

I wonder what happened to her. Did she throw it away? Did she have a funny anecdote to tell her friends? Was she maybe touched in some corner of her heart?

I often wonder about how an event unfolds when I’m not around to witness it.

How would you feel in her shoes?

Kids these days…they have such a wide variety of toys. I think I must be getting old because 1) I say “kids these days” and 2) I’m about to say “Back in MY day…”

Judge for yourself, though. Which toy would YOU rather have as a child:

1) Modern, super detailed blabbity-blah-blah Marvel Universe Sentinel Action Figure:
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2011/07/07/hasbro-comic-con-exclusive-sentinel-action-figure/

OR

2) KICKASS does all sorts of cool shit, offering hours of entertainment and pure awesome, mid-90’s block of cool-as-hell plastic toy:
http://whydidibuythat.blogspot.com/2011/06/sentinel.html

I owned #2, in case you were wondering. AND HE WAS AWESOME!!! OMG!!!! I still remember that a friend broke the grappling hook thing…what a dick. But the fist punch and the pop-out chest cavity still rocked my socks off. I COMPLETELY forgot about the pop-out feet, though.

A friend on Twitter posted up pics of #1 and was all drooly over it. Which I can understand. But #2!!!!!!! Lookit that lack of detail but plethora of function! Who fricken cares that he’s probably killing the environment!

Mutants: BEWARE!

I miss my packed-away Gundams and all the action figures my mom threw away when I left for college.

I love how the internet is both the compost heap of society as well as a pinnacle of human achievement. A database of vast human knowledge, both trivial and important, infinitely easy-to-access. The concept of storing knowledge outside of the body and then having instant access to that knowledge is staggering. It’s almost like a hive-mind, minus the lack of individuality and you know, all that buzzing.

And yet, I see some internet slang and I want to beat someone bloody with a goddamn extra-annotated edition of Mirriam-Webster’s. What the hell, people? Seriously?

For instance, swag. I thought this was either 1) an acronym for Stuff We All Get or Scientifically Wild-Ass Guess or 2) a bastardized form of swagger. It is neither, as it so turns out.

Swag means, according to urban dictionary, (as I did not believe it when I saw it used (poorly) in context)

Whenever a guy goes down a set of stairs (like, say, in a subway…so you can pretty much tell where this post was born haha) and he’s not out-right running, I noticed it looks like some disorganized, chaotic Riverdance. Torso straight up, looking forward, but feet flap-flapping down the stairs. I suppose if you transported that guy, made sure he kept flap-flapping, and put him on an up-escalator, he’d look like he was riverdancing.

All this going through my head as my coworkers and I headed to lunch and my project manager and department head are racing down the stairs against the flow of people like teenagers. I don’t know who’s weirder - them for acting like ADHD, hopped-up-on-sugar children, or me - for standing around, riverdancing myself, and thinking all this.

What do normal people ponder about on any given day?

Is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Followed closely by “Not to be racist, but…” or my favorite “Not that there’s anything wrong with that…!!!”

It’s like a red flag that says: Incredibly homoerotic supposedly “heterosexual guys” trying to be “Funny” by doing something no gay man (self-respecting or otherwise) would do. And no, I’m not gay. But I’m a guy. And if I liked other guys, I STILL wouldn’t do 0.00001% of the stuff that gets attributed to gay people. I mean what the hell? You like the same gender so suddenly you go bat-shit fucking loco?

You just like the same gender. Who you are (for better or worse) isn’t altered.

“Not to be racist” prefaces a stupidly racist comment 99.9% of the time. The other 0.1% of the time it prefaces a slightly less stupidly racist comment. So, pretty much a misnomer. People think that if they say “Not to be racist,” it means they’re not being racist. No, it means you’re trying to trick people into thinking you don’t mean what you say. If you don’t mean what you say, then what the hell do you mean? If what you say isn’t what you mean, then you’re wasting everyone’s goddamn time, most especially your own.

I’m so sick of people trying to get away with stupid shit like this by slapping a label on it. “Oh I’m not racist because I say ‘Not to be racist’ before every goddamn racist thing I say. I’m a good person.”

No. You are an idiot. And a waste of oxygen. Not because you say racist things. Because you think that you don’t say racist things. I say racist things. I am fairly racist. I don’t act on my racism (flag burning, lynching, people burning, etc). But yeah, I’m inclined to think that my ethnicity is slightly better than everyone else’s. I can see its flaws and agree that it’s not perfect…but when it comes down to it, it’s human nature to be racist to some small degree. What matters is what you do with it and I certainly don’t go around saying racist things prefaced by “Not to be racist, but…”

No, I say racist things every so often and I preface it with “Yeah this is pretty goddamn racist but 26 years of observation have yielded the same, consistent results so I’m gonna go with it.” <—-A long preface so I usually try to keep my racism to a minimum. Or at the very least, restricted to self-racism.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that…” means that you absolutely do believe there is something wrong with that and you want everyone to ooh and ahh over how clever you were to figure it out. NO. You are not a goddamn genius. You are not cleverly misdirecting people from your true, horrid nature. If you say “Man those two guys are so gay…NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT” you very damn well do mean that you think there’s something wrong with that. So say it and be judged and realize what a terrible person it makes you for saying stupid shit like that.

“Twilight is really gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” What in the hell makes you think gay people want Twilight? They’re people, too! They probably don’t think vampires should sparkle in the sunlight. Or that Kirsten what’s-her-never-changing-face should have only one expression EVER. Gays don’t what your trash. Stop attributing everything bad to them. If two guys are having gay sex: yeah, that’s pretty gay. I don’t know why you’re watching that if you’re not gay. But that is the only time that statement would be accurate. Is Twilight gay? There’s not a single homosexual in that movie. And (this is fairly politically incorrect) it’s a movie with sparkles!

Gay people have enough problems. A world that refuses to acknowledge them because they’re gay. Religious people. Ignorant hetero people. They don’t need any more shit dumped on them (unless that’s what they’re into, in which case, fire away). Every time you say something is gay, you are announcing to the world that you think this thing, whatever it is, is equivalent to homosexuality, which to you, is the worst thing it could possibly be compared to. I say this because you don’t choose “fucked up” or “stupid” or “unbelievably dumb.” You want to convey the sheer badness of this thing and you chose “gay” as your epithet. You might as well paste a sign on your forehead that says “Shit Comes Out Here” with an arrow pointing down. You’re only announcing your own ignorance and right now, the world is full of a lot of people are clamoring pretty loudly along that same vein.

The world could use a little less ignorance. Being gay isn’t contagious. What the hell do you care if people are gay? It’s not something that can affect you, like say, people being ignorant. Your ignorance costs me time, patience, and stress. That guy over there who is gay costs me about 2 seconds of “Hmm, probably gay” and moving on with my life. The same goes for people of a different ethnicity. As long as your existence as a person of another race doesn’t significantly obstruct my life as a person of another race, what the hell do I care that we’re not ethnically the same? More power to you, let me live my life without making it difficult for me and I’ll return the favor.

“No homo” can make even a straight man see red.

Just stumbled upon (no I mean actually found it by random browsing and some prodigious Google+ stalking, not the site StumbleUpon, which is also pretty awesome) a friend’s blog. I always thought of her as a kid, in the sense that she was like 1 year younger than me and thus was always gonna be the baby of our group. TURNS OUT SHE GREW UP. And has adult thoughts and doesn’t just elbow me when I’m being a prick or laughs uproariously at my various antics. I mean she’s a real person with really deep thoughts and really powerful emotions!

Ok so it wasn’t that bad, but for me what struck me was how little I knew her. It was like when you catch the same movie on TV constantly and you only see the same 20 minutes. People ask “Hey have you seen such-and-such movie?” and you’re like “Oh yeah, that movie! Yeah, I’ve caught it a few times on TV!” And then you finally manage to catch the movie as it starts so you watch it all the way through. But it’s not a comedy! Those 20 minutes you’ve seen are the only funny part of the movie and it’s actually a very serious, very deep drama.

My friend is a vivacious person. I hate using over-the-top adjectives because it makes me sound like I’m either studying for the SAT (GAWD not again, never again!) or I’m trying to impress my hot friend who just proclaimed that she likes “brainy guys” and not “hot guys” (which, to be fair, we all know is a goddamn lie).

But this friend is truly vivacious. She grabs life by the horns and swings it around. I remember being caught by her gravity rather than slowly drawing her to me by various kind acts that eventually make all of my friends utterly and hopelessly dependent upon me (some people say “Hi” and look for common interests…I’m slightly more insidious—damnit, I apologize…).

She’s the type of person who makes YOU her friend instead of being YOUR friend. That’s not to say she is selfish, but rather that she lets you know that she likes you and she really grabs on to you. Maybe that’s my narrow view of her talking, but I knew instantly that I liked her. Not as a girl, but as a person and someone who was so genuine and kind and full of life that I wanted to be a part of that.

I heard once that the people we choose to be our friends are people who have personality traits that we want. I couldn’t agree more; this friend’s love for life and the way that she just OWNED every second of her life—I wanted to live one day of my life like she lives every day of hers.

Anyway, time and distance eventually made us drop out of touch, but we still chat on Gchat whenever we see each other. She’s one of those few people I know I’ll never get sick of hearing from. Reading her blog showed me a different side of her, however, and it got me thinking. She wrote a post about how everyone around her is growing up so quickly and I thought to myself: “That’s YOU! When did you become an adult?”

I just wanted to commemorate this moment somehow and celebrate her. She is such a strong, independent woman with so much to offer this world and I would love nothing more than to get back in touch with her. Lately, I feel like I need a recharge of the part of me that grabs life by the horns and swings it around. It’s like I’ve been looking for it all this time and here she is, to save me from the follies of myself.

So, to my friend and her awesome blog, I will definitely be stalking you in the future. You’ve become such a wonderful person that I’m happy to have been even a small part of who you are and I hope to be there for you one day when you need it, just like you were (unknowingly) here for me when I needed it. Just by being you, you helped me. Now that’s exactly the kind of friend I hope to be to all my friends.

It is truly my friends who save me from my own follies