Lately I’ve been so busy being plugged in, I’ve hardly had time to LIVE. I’m a real homebody by nature: plop in front of the TV or computer (MAGIC BOX WITH MOVING PICTURES!) and play on my iPad until it’s time to go to bed to repeat the day. Ok the iPad part is new since I recently got that.
But even in university I wasn’t the partier-type, the frat-boy hooks up with anything that moves type. That isn’t to say I was a dungeons-and-dragons-kill-you-because-I-think-the-game-is-real type, either. I just preferred to watch a lot of TV. Maybe because my parents didn’t let me watch TV as a kid. Maybe because my parents were mean to me and I’m emotionally scarred (they weren’t that mean to me…I have to say that or they’ll say terrible things about me, actually).
As time passed, I found myself wishing I had a really lively social life: always out always doing things. Living life instead of watching it. I can’t say I have a very active social life in that I’m constantly going to parties, but lately I find that I have absolutely zero personal down time. If it’s not one friend, it’s another. And I’m in another country where the majority of my friends DON’T live. How can I be this busy? And why does it feel so empty?
Now that my social life got switched to “active” instead of “Off and crying alone in the dark with a tub of ice cream,” I don’t feel any more satisfied or fuller (that’s what she said).
No, I feel like I could just go for a really long nap and then a meal and maybe a whizz…and then another really long nap at the end of which I DON’T have to go to work.
Despite doing more, I feel less fulfilled. Despite having seen a lot, I want to see more. I think it’s the addiction part of my brain: I’m addicted to everything I like. Travel, sleep, rest, relaxation, new experiences, funny things on the internet, entertaining movies, oodles of trivia…such that I’ve acquired a thirst that can never be slaked. I want everything and I want it now and I want it in quantities that my brain couldn’t possibly process and then I want more.
There’s no big point or realization at the end of this point. I just want something that isn’t the life I have now. It’s not a terrible life and I’m fairly happy with it…I just feel ready to move on. I feel ready to be something that isn’t this.
If there’s one thing I know for SURE that I want, it’s the eyes of my buddy Sami. He sees the world and it’s not dirty, jaded, or overdone. He sees childish excitement in experiencing things for the first time. He enjoys little moments. He can take an artsy photo and just be content with the greatness of the photo. Me, I’d be out looking for more artsy photos until I have enough to wallpaper the side of a 40-story building with, and still be dissatisfied. From him, I should learn how to be happy with something and not need to take it all the way to the limit.
And in the meantime, I’ll be posting little bits of myself on the internet for people to see, like little breadcrumbs making a path through the forest.
Except at the end of this bad metaphor, there’s no wicked witch waiting to bake you into a cake.
