If a Picture is Worth 1000 Words...

Totally NSFW (Not Safe For Work)

Which is what I originally thought it was: some fake company name. “Here at InCel, we produce the finest gobbledygook and caddywampus.” Ok both of those gibberish words were used incorrectly but I like them as fake names for products.

I always thought gobbledygook was fairly racist when used as a description of unintelligible language. I mean it has the word gook in it.

Caddywampus is great because my 7th grade science teacher used it. “This experiment went all caddywumpus because you didn’t read the manual! Put that frog cadaver back on the dissecting pan!!!”

Caddywumpus. *tee hee*

Anyway InCel is a portmanteau, which is a fancy way of saying “mashed up phrase.” It actually stands for involuntarily celibate. Which, up until now, I thought was most aptly expressed as “my life.” But I like InCel better because it gives me a chance to use the word “portmanteau” and also because it sounds like a fake company name from a 90s movie <—-I no longer use “90’s” because I found out it was wrong via @SamiAri on Twitter ^_^ (Link: 6 Killer Tips from a Great Grandmother of a Copy Editor)

InCel as a phrase is awesome. Unfortunately what it describes sucks. A lot a lot a lot. A. LOT.

In this day and age where teenagers are getting preggers earlier and earlier (way before prom!), it just makes me feel old and unloveable to think of InCel. I refuse to comment either way about my current state, but let’s just say high school and college were both a long stretch of InCel.

I think part of my desire for InCel to be so cool is because I was the poster boy for InCel. Celibate by choice! Just…not my choice. There really wasn’t anything wrong with me. I would venture that I was more physically attractive back in high school because I was swimming 13+hours a week, plus some dry-land exercises (the swimmer way of saying out-of-the-pool work). I could eat and eat and eat and still look anorexic. I still eat and eat and eat but now I’m less rib-y looking.

It didn’t help I was one of five Asians (well, 5.5 because we had a half Filipino kid) in my entire school that went from pre-K to 12th grade. I’m not saying my school was racist, but the ladies certainly weren’t dropping their panties for this 1/5th of the Asian population at my school.

So high school was incredibly dry and no, I didn’t drink either. Can you understand why I have so few fond memories of high school? So many people say high school was the high point of their life…but college was so much better! How can people say that high school was so great when they still lived at home and half of it was spent without a driver’s license?

By FAR college was the greater experience. And yes, I also suffered a streak of InCel in college. It’s hard to break a life-long pattern. My girlfriend at the time was not a virgin but was about as willing as a nervous one on her first date. Ever.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, in case you really truly don’t know, that is a RAGING warning sign. Bright freakin’ flood lights with red blaring sirens and uniformed people scurrying importantly back and forth with checklists upon checklists. Because I really truly didn’t know and so I passed college InCel.

Let’s clarify: InCel is not virginity, it’s just a stretch where you’re not getting any and it’s not for lack of trying. It’s like being flat-ass broke in a liquor store without having had anything to drink in a few weeks. You can’t leave the liquor store, other people are stocking up on tons of booze, and there you sit…dry as can be.

Unpleasant.

What’s my point with InCel? There’s a sort of shame associated with it. You feel like maybe the reason you’re stuck there is because you’re not attractive enough or charming enough. Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s religion, maybe it’s that hall of mirrors you broke 6 years ago and you still have 1 more year left on your penance (or is it 7 years of bad luck for EACH mirror?). But I just want to say that it’s not your fault. It’s called “involuntary” for a reason. Utilize the three P’s: Patience, Perseverence, and Porn. All great things are worth waiting for. Sex by itself is truly meaningless. Maybe it’s the romantic in me, but I just haven’t found plain ol’ sex to be worth it unless I’m really invested in her (I’m talking figuratively not physically you pervs).

I guess my point is, if you’re just looking to break your dry spell, why are you putting up all these standards? Just boink the first thing you can get your hands on. Or person ^_^ But if you’re actually looking to break the spell with someone who’s worth it, then I think it’s worth the wait. Take it from someone who’s been an unwilling subscriber to InCel Inside (weekly newsletter? Or rip off of Intel?), it’s better to choose quality over quantity. You want quantity, well…you’ve got two hands. Use your non-dominant hand if you wanna switch it up

I am so totally right-handed that it actually works.